HOW PARENTS RELATIONSHIP AFFECTS THEIR CHILDREN

Look, nobody’s perfect, especially not parents, but you do need to know that children do what they see and not what you tell them.

A woman (or man) may put up with abuse in a relationship to “stay for the children,” not thinking what this teaches the children. Do you really want your kids to learn to take abuse – or even worse, be abusive?

My Denver client, Marvin, who contacted me for dating coaching, wonders why at the age of 34 he’s not in a relationship. As we have looked into his childhood, we know the answer. His father was condescending and cold with his mother and his mother just put up with it. Besides Marvin seeing a relationship that he wants no part of, he also modeled passivity after his mother. When he sees something he doesn’t like in a woman he’s dating, he just stops calling her. He thinks he’s not being like his mom who “put up with it,” but actually he is being like her. He never learned to stand up for himself, so like her, he has no idea how to resolve an issue in a relationship. He fears having a relationship like his parents so much, and with no skills to resolve differences, he just keeps walking away.

Children who see their parents fight too much, either do the same things in their relationships or fear an intimate relationship. On the other hand, children whose parents never fought in front of them at all are often idealistic, thinking things are supposed to go smoothly without any work. Like I said, nobody’s perfect, especially parents.

So what is the healthy way to teach your children to be healthy? Don’t hide your disagreements from your children, but don’t have knock out fights in front of them either. Admit to your children that all relationships have issues and let your children in on how you have resolved some of them. Even if your children are grown, it’s not too late to teach them problem-solving in a relationship.

And if your issues aren’t resolved with your mate, seek out counseling or work at trying to make some deals with each other on your own. Don’t ignore your issues and continue fighting about them or building resentment with each other. Learn to make problem-solving second nature, not only for yourselves, but for your children as well.

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